i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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