shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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