So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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