Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
