Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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