i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
