My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm always down for nudity.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
