My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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