My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
