Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
