Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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