The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
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He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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