I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
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You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
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Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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