I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
