I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
