Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
