is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I bet he comes in French.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
