Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
