I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he shaved USA in his pubs
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
