Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
