just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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