Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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