i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
