kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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