I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
