so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?