I'm pants shitting drunk right now
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
