I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
