I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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