after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
