Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
