Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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