apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
