Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
