I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
