Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
