Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
