you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
