I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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