Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
