stop calling my apartment porn island.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
