Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
