the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
