nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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