The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
