mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
