ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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