just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
