..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
