bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I deserve this hangover.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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