Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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