fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
