You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
