Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
