he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
