My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
