false alarm. still invincible.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
