I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
