k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
