you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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