I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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