Apparently you make a good broom.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Someone came in the potted fern
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
