Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
