I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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